Why I never get anything done. Ever.

Remember these?!?

The Family Circus cartoons where Billy got all ADD (or arguably just had fun being a kid getting from on place to another) before anyone knew ADD was a thing? I always loved these cartoons, though I didn’t realize it was because Billy and I are kindred spirits.

My day job has been a little out of control as of late, so when I got home before 8:00 p.m., I made the executive decision to actually cook dinner rather than order take out (again) so the food lingering in my fridge wouldn’t go bad and I wouldn’t go broke. This is how the evening transpired:

Intention: 7:22 p.m.: Go outside to garage/shed for the purpose of fetching the large cast iron pan that doesn’t get used enough to warrant every day space in my storage challenged kitchen. Come back inside. Make dinner. Eat it. Silently pat self on back for being frugal and healthy. Commence vegging and feeling guilty for not working circa 9:00 p.m.

Reality: 7:22: Go outside headed in general vicinity of shed to procure said pan for said delicious and economically responsible meal.

Ooh, look! Amazon boxes tossed over the fence by UPS (for those of you with a memory as crappy as mine, I highly recommend Amazon Prime. You get free two-day shipping and by the time your order arrives, you’ve completely forgotten what you ordered, so it’s like getting presents! from yourself!). Open boxes. One desk lamp (hooray for that super exciting purchase)! One outdoor furniture cover (one must protect one’s skillfully crafted outdoor loveseat)!
Unwrap furniture cover, drape lovingly over faux wicker couch ensuring weather cannot get in and spiders have a safe and sheltered place to continue their quest for world domination.
Notice plants behind couch aren’t looking so hot, decide to move plants back to previous location. I have a vested interest in these plants. There are 5 of them and 1 of them has to survive a whole year otherwise I fail # 1 on my list of shit to do before I turn 40.
Decide to take photo of said plants for future blog post before moving plants.
Go inside to get phone. Respond to text from BFF about pizza and people being assclowns.
Ooh, J.Crew catalog! Ooh, still want to make dinner! Screw plants! Back outside to get pan. See plants, decide photo is necessary after all. Turn around, get phone, back outside again. Respond in solidarity to continued texting about assclownery.
Take this shitty picture of 5 plants that will most likely be dead in a month:
There are 5, I promise. I’m just bad at composition.
Move plants. Inadvertently plunge head into monstrous fucking spiderweb.
Flail around yard like I’m covered in Ectoplasm. Make mental note to research controlling spider population. Forget mental note 1.7 seconds later and realize yard is Sanford and Sons overgrown. Wonder if any of that would make a good Tweet. Determine I’m an asshole.
Decide since I sat at a computer for 14 hours today I should get some exercise and mow the lawn (I have a push mower). Ponder how to afford gardener and give up after mowing half the lawn (approximately the size of a 1 car garage). The other side isn’t going anywhere. I’m hungry and want to make dinner. Write text about wishing I had pizza.
Go back inside, collect ingredients from fridge, realize I still need the fucking pan. Go back outside. Ooh, clean laundry to be folded! Grab basket, go inside. Ponder when I’ll have time to drop off dry cleaning. Spend 3.7 minutes chasing a fly with the electric fly zapper.
Concede defeat. Melt cheese on a tortilla and write this post one-handed while shoving said tortilla in my face. Wonder why I don’t have any or clean dishtowels and think about folding recently retrieved laundry. Peruse Buzzfeed instead.
10:08: Wonder the actual fuck just happened to the last 166 minutes of my life. Consider that I probably should have checked the expiration date on the cheese.